# Moving in, making my connection
# Something's up, you can feel it in the air
# Private eyes, never know who's watching
# Playing cool, but you haven't got a prayer
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines
# Zooming via satellite?
# Have you hear d the news coming through the grapevine?
# Fletch is working overtime
# Bit by bit, one way or another
# Bit by bit, running undercover tonight
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines
# Bit by bit, getting to the bottom
# Bit by bit, nothing's gonna stop him tonight
My name is Irwin Fletcher. I'm an investigative reporter for an LA paper.
You've probably read my stuff under the by-line of 'Jane Doe''.
What the hey, it's better than ''Irwin''.
The last three weeks, I've loitered around the beach...
..trying to pass for an amiable minor-league junkie.
I don't nod out or drool. Too obvious.
Act like you don't give a crap and you fit right in.
(whistles )
Business has really picked up, huh?
- We're still closed. - Is it a Colombian national holiday?
- So what do you figure, Sam? - No idea.
- No idea at all? - Some idea.
- Like when? - When it comes, it comes.
I got some reds.
You don't mean communists, do you, Sam?
- Is everything a joke to you, Fletch? - Everything, Sam.
- Hey, Gummy. - Hey, Fletch. Hey, Sam.
- How's the eye? - I guess it's OK. The cops did it.
They're always beatin' up on me.
- He doesn't know. - Son of a bitch!
- That's what he said. - He doesn't know?
How come he doesn't know?
I don't know. He just doesn't know.
Son of a bitch!
- I wonder how he gets the stuff. - I've no idea.
He never leaves the beach, Fat Sam. Never leaves.
Sits in that chair, he's outta shit. Then suddenly he gets up, he's got shit.
So where's it come from? Through the sand?
I think that's highly unlikely, Crease.
I oughta get some sleep.
- Crease, how old are you? - 19.
You're not taking very good care of yourself.
If you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach.
I'm not talkin' about Robitussin and No-doze. I'm talkin' about har d stuff,...
..and a lot of it.
I've been tryin' to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy.
I don't shower much.
Excuse me. There's something I'd like to discuss with you.
- What's that? - We can't talk about it here.
- Why not? - Because we can't.
Are you on a scavenger hunt, or did I forget to pay my dinner check? I'll pay it.
- I want you to come to my house. - No. You got the wrong gal, fella.
I'll give you $1,000 cash.
What?
Just come to my house and listen to the proposition.
If you reject the proposition, you keep the 1,000.
And your mouth shut.
Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
- It's nothing sexual, I assure you. - Yeah, I assure you(!)
1,000 just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk.
Alan. Charmed.
For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
- What a coincidence. - What?
I came this close to buying this place.
Then I found out Hopalong Cassidy killed himself here.
- Who? - Hopalong Cassidy.
Bow and arrow. Very weird.
What, are you doped up now?
Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.
- Buenos días. - Buenos días.
You're talkin' taco.
Oh, you've remodelled the garage.
Must have cost you hundreds.
That's a good idea. I oughta frame mine.
Will the Pope be in later?
- Here's my proposition. - I'm all ears.
I want you to murder me.
Here. On Thursday.
I'd like you to shoot me dead.
And the reason I ask you to do me this service...
..is because I am already facing a very long, painful and most certain death.
You see, I have bone cancer.
I don't know if you know anything about bone cancer, Mr Nugent.
It's the worst kind you can get.
Just eats you up, bit by bit.
- You don't look sick, Mr Stanwyk. - I don't feel sick. Not yet.
They tell me it'll start getting bad in about a month. After that...
..I'd rather not be around for it.
- Why don't you try suicide? - I've thought about it.
But my company's taken out a life insurance policy on me.
Suicide would nullify my insurance. But murder does not.
Why me?
You're a drifter, a... pardon the expression, a junkie.
Nobody would notice if you just disappeared.
You see, I've been watching you for a couple of weeks.
- Maybe I'm just on vacation. - Not with the scum you hang out with.
No, I've watched... and I've thought.
It's rather an elegant plan. I even have your escape figured out.
Swell.
Has it ever occurred to you I might not want to murder you, Stanwyk?
I've got $50,000 says you will.
50,000... and a guarantee you won't get caught.
I'm still here.
I want it done Thursday evening around 8pm. My wife will be at her club,...
..and it's the staff's night off. These'll be open...
- Wouldn't they normally be locked? - Sometimes. The staff usually forget.
- I have the same trouble with my help. - I'll be here waiting for you.
The safe will be open.
There'll be $50,000 in it.
You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
Now, in this drawer...
- Ah! A .357 Magnum. - My .357.
You use it, no one can trace it to you. Of course, the room will be in some disarray.
You want it to look like a burglary attempt?
You come in and catch me, I'm stealing your ties and money,...
..we scuffle, and... the gun gets loose and I shoot you right between the eyes.
Precisely.
- Are you a good shot? - Yeah, I'm all right.
Well, get me on the first shot if you can.
- Do you have a passport? - I can probably dig one up.
Good. Now, after you... kill me, take the Jaguar.
The keys'll be in the glove compartment.
- Take it where? - LAX. Go to the Pan Am desk.
- There'll be a ticket waiting for you. - Where am I going?
Rio. It departs at 11pm.
- Do they serve dinner on the plane? - And a movie and free drinks.
I'd recommend staying down there for at least a year.
So?
So.
- You've certainly thought this out. - I don't leave a great deal to chance.
Those'll be open?
Just take care of the gloves, the passport and the aim.
- I'll take care of everything else. - The gun, the money, the tickets,...
- ..and the dying. - That's right.
- Looks like you get the hard part. - What do you say?
You'll be doing me and my family a great service.
Will you kill me?
Sure.
Hey! Good to see ya.
Hey, Slouch. How are ya?
- Larry? Can I steal you for a minute? - Only if you promise not to return me.
- Magic today, huh? - Kareem's in the wash. I need a favour.
- Fletch! - Did you hear something?
See what we have on a guy named Alan Stanwyk in Beverly Hills.
- I need this right away. - Fletch. I take it the story's done.
- W-y-k. No C. I'll be right down. - Tell me I'm right.
You are right, Frank, but you're very peaky. You wanna throw up?
- I want an answer! It's done, right? - Uh... almost.
''Uh... almost'' is not an answer. ''Yes, Frank, it's done'' is an answer.
And a damn fine answer if I do say so my damn self.
- Irwin, professional journalism time. - Don't say ''Irwin''.
- Finish the damn story! - Hey, Frank, I will. I swear.
- Something else came up, OK? - No, it's not OK.
You got a deadline tomorrow. Did you see the ad we ran?
I don't read the paper. What's the spread on the game tonight?
- (man ) The Lakers by six. - Take a look.
''Drugs on our beaches shame of the city.'' That's very nice.
Now, try to follow me on this. You can't run the ad and then not run the story.
You can't? Why not?
Shit! Really?
Frank, I'm putting you on. You'll get the story and you'll be proud of it.
- Do you know the source? - Practically.
Is it this guy Fat Sam? You said you had pictures of him.
- I do have pictures of him, dealing. - So let's run the pictures!
Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story.
- There's a source behind him. - Who?
- There we're in kind of a grey area. - All right. How grey?
Charcoal.
May I help you with that?
OK, a little lighter, a little lighter. OK. Can you go higher?
That's good. Over to the right. Higher. Higher.
Perfect. Perfect. Nice and hard.
OK. That's good. Thank you. Perfect.
- Everything's recent. - Let me see that.
''Alan Stanwyk, commercial airline pilot, from Provo, Utah.'' Hm.
''Formerly a test pilot, member of the Jaycees.''
Shall we move on?
Married Boyd Aviation. He's no dummy. That's big bucks.
''Mr Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma, of Provo, were unable to attend.''
Those are three names I enjoy, Marvin, Velma and Provo.
Hold it there. That's good.
Cancer. ''Cancer Society Benefit.''
''Internist Dr Joseph Dolan...''
''With internist Dr Joseph Dolan.'' I wonder if that's his doctor.
- One way to find out. - Yeah, there is one way to find out.
So, where do you know Alan from?
Uh, we play tennis at the club.
- Really? California Racquet Club? - Right.
- That's my club, too. - Ah.
I don't remember seeing you there.
Well, I haven't been playing for a while because of these kidney pains.
Oh, right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr Barber?
No, that's ''Babar''.
- Two B's? - One B. B-a-b-a-r.
- That's two. - Yeah, but not next to each other.
I thought that's what you meant.
Arnold Babar.
Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
- I don't know. I don't have any. - No children?
No elephant books.
Open wide.
Say ''Ah''.
You know, it's an odd name.
I don't recall having seen it on the club registry.
Well, I don't formally belong. Uh, I'm a guest of my aunt's.
- Your aunt? - Right. Mrs Smith.
- Joan or Margaret? - Uh-huh. Right.
Well, which one?
Margaret.
- Funny old bird. - Yeah, is she ever.
- I could tell you some stories. - I bet.
You know... it's a shame about Ed.
Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame.
To go so suddenly like that.
He was dying for years.
Sure, but, uh... the end was very... very sudden.
He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he died. That was extremely sudden.
You know, Alan and I were recently speaking of dying.
He told me Boyd Aviation took out a large insurance policy on him.
You gotta be in some kind of perfect shape to get that sort of a policy, I bet.
Drop your shorts and bend over, Mr Babar.
Oh, no, really, we don't need to. I... We don't wanna do that.
My kidneys feel better in this position.
Maybe it's that I'm not doing any callisthenics.
If I did sit-ups or bent over like this, I'd probably feel 100 per cent bet...
# Moon river
Whew! Thank you, Doc. You ever serve time?
- Breathe easy. - Breathe easy.
You know, I was surprised that Alan was able to get that policy.
- I know there's cancer in the family. - There is?
Yeah. As a matter of fact...
Agh!
- You using the whole fist, Doc? - Just relax.
Yeah, I saw Alan the other day. He's looking a little peaked.
I think he's lost weight. Are you sure he's all right?
I can't discuss another patient. You know that.
Well, I don't find anything wrong with you.
Hm. Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.
12 noon. I was anxious to get back to my drugs story.
But since Dr Jelly-finger wasn't talking,...
..I just had to find out more about Stanwyk's health.
- May I help you, Dr, uh...? - It's me, Dr Rosenpenis.
- I'm here to check Alan Stanwyk's file. - Dr who?
- Dr Rosenrosen, here to... - Can you give me that name again?
- Dr Rosen. I wanna check the records. - Dr who?
- Dr Rosen. Where's the records room? - Next to Pathology.
Would you take care of these things? I'd like to check Alan Stanwyk's file. Uh...
- Where the hell's the records room? - Next to Pathology, in B-1.
- I can't hear you. What? - B-1.
- Would you just collate these? Where? - B-1.
- B-1. Thank you. - You can take the elevator.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you. Give me a hand for a second, will you, Doctor?
- Me? - Come on. Come on! (switches on saw)
- (switches off saw) - Yeah.
(whistles nonchalantly )
- Ever seen a spleen that large? - No-ho. Not since breakfast.
Here. Hold this.
I'm not really prepared. I haven't sterilised my hands.
You're not gonna make this guy any sicker.
(switches on saw)
(clattering)
I'll get it.
- Ooh! - I don't feel good.
Boy! You never get used to the smell, do ya?
(thud)
Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
- Where am I? - The records room.
- The records room? Oh. I'm fine. - Can I get you something?
Uh, yeah. Do you have the Beatles' White Album?
Never mind. Get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia.
Dr Holmes went to get smelling salts. He was quite surprised that you fainted.
He was surprised. I thought that body was my dead brother.
Oh!
It's OK, but that spleen was the spittin' image.
Now I guess I'm fine.
(gargles )
Nurse, I'm, um... I'm hyperventilating. Would you get me a paper bag, please?
- Yes, right away. - Thank you.
- Here you are, Doctor. - Oh. Thank you very much.
- Is there anything I can help you with? - No. Uh, yes, there is, actually.
My, uh...
..my, uh... my...
One of my associates was doing a biopsy on this man recently,...
..and they said he had a melanoma, a carcinoma, some kind of a noma.
There's no record of it here.
Well, if he had one, it would certainly be in here.
Wait. Here it is. A surgical removal of two moles. Tissue was benign.
Benign? No mention of cancer? That's it?
That's it.
This was one month ago.
In other words, Alan Stanwyk does not have cancer.
I guess not.
Well, he'll be so relieved.
- Thank you very much. - My pleasure.
Have a nice day.
- Wait. I'm not finished yet. - Sorry, Mr Underhill.
- Does that look like I'm finished? - I guess not.
- Now I'm finished. - Whatever you say, Mr Underhill.
I imagine you're expecting a nice gratuity, right?
Maybe next time.
- Gail Stanwyk? - Mm-hm. Yeah.
I haven't seen you since the wedding. You look great.
That's very sweet of you.
You know, I must have been pretty ploughed at your wedding.
I don't have any idea who you are.
- Not my wedding. Your wedding. - Oh, my wedding! Thank God!
No, it doesn't really help me. Are you a friend of Alan's?
Yes, we used to fly together. I'm John.
Oh! John!
Oh! ''Together.''
Uh... No. John who?
- John Coxtoltoy. - It's a beautiful name.
- It's Scotch-Romanian. - An odd combination.
Yeah, well, so were my parents.
Do you mind if I practise some more? I have to work on my ground stroke.
You bet. Go ahead.
Excuse me, senor. You are a member of the club?
- Uh, no. I'm with the Underhills. - They are left, senor.
It's all right, they'll be back. He went for his urinalysis.
Would you like some drinks while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich, and...
- ..a steak sandwich, please. - Very good, senor.
Oh.
- So how's Alan? - What are you asking me for?
He's been so busy lately, I hardly see him. He's been preoccupied.
- With what? - I don't know. Personal stuff.
Whoa! Look, I hit one!
Not bad. Lobs are an important part of the game.
Sorry, sir.
Let me show you a couple of things.
Here. Stand here for a second. Now look. When the ball comes,...
- ..face the ball like this, see? - Yeah.
And then pivot your body... and step in like that.
Swing. Step in with your left foot, just like this.
OK? Go ahead. Try one.
- All right. Get in that ready position. - Yeah.
And the ball's gonna come now. I want you to pivot. Ready?
- How many did you put in? - I thought I put a lot, but...
Yeah, well, that's it. It's finished. Good. Much better.
You know, I must be having an off day. I'm usually a fabulous player.
I have this effect on a lot of women.
I bet you do.
The reason I asked about Alan is that I bumped into him this morning, and...
- You know what I can't figure out? - He's in Utah.
I can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
I'm very flattered... but I'm also very married.
You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
How did you guess?
I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's buddies who tried to pick me up,...
- ..I'd be a rich woman. - You are a rich woman.
See what I mean?
You'd think the vice president knew I was opening the door,...
..but the Secret Service, they... Whack! And this blood... (laughs )
- Washington! - Sugar, Mr Poon?
No, never, never. Thank you.
Well, now. Let me reiterate that this is not a formal investigation.
If Alan Stanwyk isn't involved in any improprieties...
Alan Stanwyk is not involved in any improprieties.
I don't know where the SEC comes off, making such an accusation.
You know that and I know that, but... somebody's bucking for a promotion.
It's probably that pederast Hanrahan, I don't know.
If I don't go back with something, you and your son-in-law'll be the scapegoats.
Unbelievable. This is unbelievable.
They even wanna know what he's doing in Utah.
Utah? Oh, Jesus H Christ on a Popsicle stick.
First of all, Alan Stanwyk does not own one single share of stock.
The $3 million for the ranch in Provo was entirely provided by my daughter,...
..who converted some of her personal holdings, not corporate holdings.
So, if any of your DC boys wanna make something outta that, bring 'em on.
Otherwise... you tell your commission to get the hell outta my face.
God, I admire you.
Well... consider this case closed.
Look at this. It's even stopped bleeding.
- Isn't that something? - My pleasure.
- Well, thank you, and good day. - Oh, by the way...
- Yeah? - What kind of a name is Poon?
Comanche Indian. Bye.
Madeline, Frieda lost the number for Alan's realtor in Provo.
- Could you give me that? - Jim Swarthout?
Yeah. (whistles )
- I'm sorry. Who are you again? - Frieda's boss.
- Who's Frieda? - My secretary.
I knew my junkie pals were awaiting me on the beach,...
..but I needed a second wind, a beer and a war drobe change.
As I pulled up to my palatial imitation apartment building,...
..I observed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr Arnold T Pants, Esquire,...
..attorney for the former Mrs Irwin Fletcher.
Time to use the service entrance.
(dog yapping)
Refusal to pay alimony is a jailable offence, Fletch.
(sighs )
- What about trespassing and loitering? - I am neither loitering nor trespassing.
I simply chose an advisable location to await my client's delinquent husband.
Well, I don't like to discuss business on the lanai. Let's go inside.
OK. If you're wearing rubbers, leave 'em outside, would you?
Little one-on-one?
He draws the foul!
- You owe Wendy $918. - She doesn't need it.
- She's lived with somebody for months. - I don't know what you're referring to.
Wendy maintains her own residence.
- This stinks. - I empathise with your plight.
- However, you threw her out. - She was sleeping with everybody.
- You should have proved that in court. - My lawyer was a bum.
- I agree. - I think she slept with him, too.
You may be right.
- Are you serious? - That's history, Fletch.
You owe us $918.
Hey! I think our problems may just be solved.
Ed McMahon? Think I just won a million bucks.
Yeah! ''Irwin M Fletcher, you choose.''
Whoo-ee!
Oh, boy. I lost... again. Sorry.
This is no joke, Fletch. If some kind of payment isn't made,...
..I'm gonna have to contact your paper, garnishee your wages.
I can't have my wages garnisheed.
I tell you what...
Cash? I'm impressed.
Saw my pimp today.
Uh!
Open your raincoat. Come on, just once. It's worth it.
That's $1,000. You apply the difference to next month, OK?
- Now scram. - Till then.
Keep ten for yourself. Go out and get a nice piece of ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest is Most Valuable Player of the NBA six times.
From the Los Angeles Lakers, the all-time scoring champion,...
..Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, coming off a game that was second to none.
- You've gotta be proud. - Oh, definitely, Chick.
It was a great effort, but I had a lot of help, and we're just glad to be here.
- Hey! How about Fletch? - Well, what can I say about Fletch?
He's been fantastic. He boxes out for us, gets the tough rebounds.
He does the things we need to win. It's great working with him.
I don't know where we'd be without him.
Let's take a look. He is actually 6' 5' with the Afro 6' 9'pretty good dribbler.
His club is behind by one point at this stage.
Fletch comes in, puts the ball through the legs... What a great play!
And the Lakers have the lead! Oh! Was that some kind of a play!
This gritty kid from Harlem really creates excitement.
$4 million a year, that's true, but he earns every nickel of it.
Look how he shakes off four or five defenders with ease.
Hm! Fletch.
He truly defines grace under pressure.
Lar, it's me. See if you've got anything on Stanwyk from when he lived in Utah.
Yeah. And also check out a realtor in Provo. His name is Swarthout.
- What's goin' on? - Take off, Fletch!
Hey! What are you doin'?!
They've got Gummy again.
Hey, slow down. Fletch, this is dumb.
- Oh, man! - What are you doing? He's defenceless.
I don't know nothin' about...
- Get him! - What are you doin'?
Oh, Fletch!
Hey! You're really nuts.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
I feel like a hundred dollars.
- They didn't do anything. - What are you talkin' about?
- I busted their window. - Well, you're lucky, or somethin'.
It's not luck. They didn't want me.
They wanted Gummy.
Two cops and Gummy...
Come on, Frank. Relax. I need a little more time.
- I could be onto something. - You're onto something? Good. What?
I don't wanna spoil your surprise. Read about it tomorrow.
What? What do you want?
- Don't point. Speak! - I need Fletch for a second.
- She needs me. - Nothing on Utah or Jim Swarthout...
We have to put this on the back burner right now.
Right here. That's good.
Uh... you wanna give me just a little hint?
All right, Frank. There just may be some cops involved in all of this.
Cops? That's the one thing I did find. From last month's. It was in the unsorted pile.
- What's this? - More cops.
- Frank, I need to go to Utah. - Utah?!
Wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures.
- What about finding the source? - I have some ideas.
Come on, Frank. Say yes. I'll buy you some new deodorant.
Go to Transportation and get a ticket.
- My hero. - Nothin' to it.
(woman panting)
You're not recor ding this, are you?
(Fletch ) No. Never, never.
Question...
Question:
why does a man ask me to kill him,...
..then lie about dying when he isn't dying? He asked me to kill him.
Question: Gail Stanwyk converts $3 million of her stocks...
..to buy the ranch house. Why pay in cash?
Uh, Mr Jim Swarthout? My name is Igor Stravinski.
I'm calling about some ranch property I'd like to buy.
Good, Mr Stravinski. What d'you have in mind?
Mm-hm.
- Oh, are you a friend of Alan's? - Well, not exactly.
I was at the club and people were talking about the property you sold him.
$3 million sounded like a good price to me.
Oh... Oh, is that right?
Oh. Well, in that case I have been very misinformed.
Excuse you? Yes... Listen.
Say, I'd like to come out and see you anyway. Is that all right?
- What's good for you? - Well,...
..I'm about to close up shop and go out for the evening.
- How about first thing in the morning? - First thing in the morning. Bye.
(barking)
Hello? Anybody home?
Hey there, fella. What's your name? Fluff? Fifi?
All right.
Bad dog.
Sit.
Stay.
Dogs!
Come on, smile. Say ''flesh''.
Look. Defenceless babies.
The oldest trick in the book.
# Strangers in the night
# Exchanging clothing
# Strangers in my pants
# Fingers roving
Surprise!
Police! Spread 'em!
- Got a gun, creep? - Shamu's got one. Borrow his.
- What have we here? - My dick.
Oh, funny boy.
- What have we here? - Looks like heroin, Gene.
- Hey. You just planted that. - What'd you say?
- You fellas wanna read me my rights? - You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to have your face kicked in by me,...
- ..and have your balls stomped by him. - I'll waive my rights.
- What's the booking? - Possession of narcotics.
- The chief wants to talk to him. - Oh, you'll like Chief Karlin.
- He's a nice man. - Oh, yeah?
He's mellowed since he came out of the closet.
Take his picture while he still has a face.
Don't hurt. You've been hurting me.
- Give him a buzz. - Come in.
Here he is, Chief.
Easy, fellas. I'll be with you in a moment.
Did you decorate this place yourself, or did Mrs Chief of Police help out?
So... what's your name?
- Fletch. - Full name?
Fletch. F Fletch.
I see. And what do you do for a living, Mr Fletch?
I'm a shepherd.
Officers, uh, could you excuse us for a few moments?
Hey, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other?
Why are you doing this, Mr Fletch?
I like men. I like to be manhandled.
I like you.
For a gentleman found holding a bag of heroin...
- That was planted on me. - We're looking at five years, maybe ten.
Now, is that what you want, Jane Doe?
Your editor phoned me to respond to allegations you're about to print...
..concerning police involvement in narcotics dealings. Uh-uh.
I'm about to bust that beach wide open.
I don't need some penny-ante Woodward and Bernstein...
..getting in the way of my men.
Well, your men may be involved in this. I would think that might interest you.
Idiot!
All right. Strictly off the record, OK?
Yeah, OK.
I got that beach crawling with undercover cops.
But if you come along nosin' around, you'll make the bad guys more cautious.
Makes my job harder.
And listen, if you print your story this week,...
..you might get some of my men killed.
And I can't have that, Mr Fletch.
- You understand? - Yeah.
I understand.
Well, I got a deadline.
The name's Karlin with a K, right?
Dipshit!
You go back to the goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it!
All right?
- Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda. - Yeah.
I hate Tommy Lasorda.
Hey!
(Karlin ) I'll take care of him now.
# Swing low, sweet chariot
I'll handle it from here.
# Comin' for to carry me home
You can't keep me here, Chief.
Maybe I'm not gonna keep you in here. Maybe I'm gonna blow your brains out.
I'm no lawyer, but I believe that's a violation of my rights.
Nah. After I shoot ya, I stick myself in the arm with this knife,...
..then I place the knife in your dead hand. Self-defence.
We don't do it much any more, but, boy, back in the old days...
- You're serious. - Ask anybody.
Can I ask anybody now?
Can I call my mom, tell her how much I love her?
Uh... I guess not.
I'm a newspaper reporter. You don't just blow away a newspaper reporter.
What'll it be, Fletch?
Hey.
I hate the beach anyway, man. This isn't even my story.
I've got a deadline on my series on offtrack betting in the Himalayas.
Smaller story, but I know you've been following it.
I can tell you have things under control down there, and... your beach.
- Come on out. Come on. - May I? Thank you.
- How could you call him?! - Fletch, I'm sorry.
Do you have any idea how close to death I came?!
It's awful.
The guy had me in a cell with a gun at my head and a knife in his hand!
He threatened to kill me, Frank.
- Jesus. That's a shame. - He would have blown me away.
Unbelievable.
- You don't believe me, do you? - No.
- He thinks I made it up. - Unbelievable.
Fletch, I need an article from you by tomorrow.
- You believe me, don't you? - Yes, I do.
No unsubstantiated charges about dope-dealing cops,...
..no horseshit paranoid fantasies about homicidal police chiefs.
Give me something I can print!
Print this.
Me too.
Hey, hey. Watch it. You're on thin ice, Larry.
The time had come to hang out at Boyd Aviation...
..and find out what Stanwyk was doing with that plane.
I splurged. I invested 49 cents on a set of novelty teeth.
Hey! You the guy from Ajax?
- Yeah, you bet. - All right!
I thought you were bringing the Eighth.
I'm the supervisor. I don't carry the stuff.
- So who's bringing 'em? Freddie? - Yeah, Freddie.
You were supposed to be here over an hour ago, boy.
Well, the traffic was murder, you know.
One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana.
God-awful mess. You should see my shoes.
Whooh!
- Stanwyk's baby, huh? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Looks well-used. - Back and forth to Utah at weekends.
Oh, is that right?
What is he, a Mormon?
I don't think he's doin' a whole lot of singing with the Tabernacle Choir.
These executives live hard. Know what I mean?
Oh, I sure do.
(whistles )
Oh, that's a terrific wing. I love this shape.
- Hey, uh, do us a favour, pal. - Name's Liddy. Gordon Liddy.
Gord, take a look at the seventh Fetzer valve, will ya? I think it's been stickin'.
- Probably the humidity. - That's funny.
No, what I think it is myself is the, uh, bypass line.
It could be the bypass line, yeah. Maybe I should take a look at it.
Uh, Gordo.
Back here?
Don't tell me my business, boy.
Just checkin' the luggage. Somebody oughta clean these windows.
There is a tremendous build-up of guck all over them. Look at that.
- Do you use a lotta fuel to go to Utah? - That's what I always ask him.
Burns enough to go to South America and back.
South America and back? Huh!
- That right? - Yeah! But I always kid him about it.
I say ''What are you doin' up there? You doin' some stunt flyin' or somethin'?''
- What's he say? - Well, you know, he don't say nothin'.
He just... gives me that look. You know, he's got that look.
Yeah, he just gives him that look.
Well, sure. He's the boss.
Here, lemme... take a crack at this Fetzer here.
- Uh, Gord? - Yeah, I know where it is.
I'm just gettin' a bird's-eye view, and...
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Whaddaya think? It's the bypass line, right?
- I think it's the bypass line, yeah. - Told ya.
I'm gonna need some pliers, and... a set of 30-weight ball bearings.
- What?! - Yeah. Uh...
Tell you what, I gotta go to my truck.
If Fred gets here, you can tell him to start without me.
What the hell do you need ball bearings for?
Aw, come on, guys. It's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
Hey!
It's all ball bearings nowadays.
You prepare that Fetzer valve with some Three-In-One Oil and some gauze pads.
And I'm gonna need about ten quarts of antifreeze, preferably Prestone.
No... No, make that Quaker State.
And wash those windows. They've got muck on 'em.
- Buenos días, senor. - Oh, hi. Where's Mrs Stanwyk?
- In her cabana, senor. - Oh, yeah. It's cabana six, right?
Cabana one. You would like something to eat or drink, senor?
- Actually, I would. - Charge it to the Underhills, senor?
Yeah, that's right. Uh, do you have any caviar?
Sí senor. Beluga. But it is $80 a portion.
Well, I'd better just take two portions. Uh, how's the lobster thermidor?
- I recommend it, senor. - Good. That'll be fine.
Bring two bottles of Dom Perignon to cabana one.
- Very good, senor. - And put down $30 for yourself, huh?
- Muchas gracias, senor. - This is the nicest place.
- Who is it? - Uh, it's John.
John who?
It's John. John... (mumbles )
- I don't remember. - John Coxstolsin?
Hi.
I was hopin' you'd say that.
Oh, I just got out of the shower.
Yeah. Can I borrow your towel for a sec?
My car just hit a water buffalo.
- Nice place you have here. - Mm.
I'm surprised to see you. What are you doing here?
- I ordered some lunch. - You ordered it here?
Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.
I really should change.
No! Stay the same wonderful person you are.
I mean put clothes on.
No, really, make yourself comfortable. Are you always this forward?
Only with wet married women.
- (knocking) - Your turn at the door!
Ah! OK. Very good, gentlemen. Come right in.
There you go. Right in this way.
Right in here. That's good.
- That's very nice. - You want I set up?
No, thank you. I'll take care of it. Give each other $20, OK?
Put it on Underhill.
- Muchas gracias. - Sierra del fuego.
Oh! This is beautiful.
- Oh! - Yeah! There we have it.
- All this goes on the Underhills' bill? - Well, I saved his life during the war.
- You were in the war? - No, he was. I got him out.
Oh. Well... I can't believe I'm doing this, but this is great.
Let's eat.
I'm full.
- Your bill, senor. - Oh. Thank you.
- $400 for lunch?! - Your guest, senor.
What guest? We don't have any guests here today.
Two bottles of Dom Perignon, $100 a pop?!
- Jesus H Christ! Where is he? - He is with Mrs Stanwyk, senor.
- Where is she? - Cabana one.
- Do you mind if I ask you a question? - Depends on the question.
Want some more champagne? Are you still in love with Alan?
No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question.
- Ask me another one. - Why'd you let me in?
Um... because I'm bored.
If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?
- Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom. - That's a good point.
I've never even been there. I shouldn't say that.
- Do his parents live there? - He hasn't seen them for years,...
- ..so I've never met them. - They don't get along?
(knocking)
- Mrs Stanwyk? - Yes?
Uh, I'm sorry to disturb you. It's Ted Underhill here.
Thanks for a great time. I - Whew! - gotta get out of here.
Wait a minute. What is this?
Someone of your acquaintance has charged a $400 lunch to my account.
John! You don't know the Underhills?
I'd appreciate the opportunity of discussing this with you.
- (as Gail) I'm just out of the shower! - Can you wait?
- I just have to wee-wee. - Oh. Yes, of course.
- Why did you do it? - It wouldn't be fair for you to pay.
- A $400 lunch tab? - That's what I mean. It's outrageous.
- It's way over the line. - I'll cover it.
Wait. You can't go out looking like that. He might spot you. Hold on.
You look like you're the same size as Alan. Put this on.
- Nice suit. - Just return it.
Any other surprises?
Yeah.
My name is not John... Cocktosin.
And I wasn't at your wedding.
- Who are you? - I'm Irwin Fletcher.
I write a newspaper column under the name of Jane Doe.
- And it's not the food section, Gail. - So?
So...
Your husband hired me to kill him.
(agitated knocking) Mrs Stanwyk!
- Mrs Stanwyk! - In a minute.
Enough surprises. What are you talking about?
Sit down.
Your husband told me he was dying of cancer. Is that true?
No, it's not true.
That ranch property you thought you were buying in Utah?
Not true.
He's a bad guy, Gail. He's involved in something very big and very bad.
- Know a guy named Jim Swarthout? - Yeah. The man who sold us the ranch.
Wrong. He sold you $3,000 worth of scrub brush.
- No, I saw the deed. - You saw a forgery.
This is the real deed. See, there's Swarthout's name.
Now, if this were at all legible, you'd see what I meant.
Look. Here's the dog that tried to bite me.
Here's the motel I stayed in, my car - the dog tried to bite that.
- Here's the Mormon Tabernacle... - Stop it. Stop.
He's told me a lot of things. So far, not one of them has been true.
- I'm sorry I have to tell you these things. - Mrs Stanwyk!
Wait. Just wait a minute!
- I'm gonna call my father. He'll know... - No, you can't.
I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall,...
..but you've gotta trust me.
Just give me 24 hours.
(Mr Underhill) Mrs Stanwyk!
You a Laker fan?
- No. - (knocking)
- I'm coming. Just a minute. - I'll take you to a game.
Mrs Stanwyk!
Sorry. Thanks. Bye.
- Wait! What are you talking about? - I'd like to take you to a Laker game.
- If you need me, call the paper. - What do I do for the next 24 hours?
- Act natural. - I was afraid you'd say that.
Oh, Jesus. What's he doing with the chief?
Seeing ''Bone Cancer'' and Chief Karlin together might lead to a page-one item.
But without evidence, Frank wouldn't even print it in the want ads.
I had to keep digging... without a shovel.
Smog Patrol. Had your emissions checked? Fluorocarbons? Ozone?
- No, sir. - Well, let's check it out.
- Whaddaya say? - Hey, uh...
Smells pretty good.
That's him.
Unit 12 in pursuit.
Why don't you catch some shuteye? Just lay back and enjoy it.
Try to breathe through your nose.
# Hey, you! Get outta town
# Get outta town
# Go north to Alaska or south to Rio
# Get outta town
# Go through every red light, there's a plane at midnight
I always use chewing gum on these rides. It filters out pollutants.
Oh, shit!
Of course you've got grillwork to keep out ozone.
I gotta get this thing up to 95 to check out the fluorocarbon output.
Don't worry about the speed limit. That's why we got the police escort.
- Are you a cop? - As far as you know.
Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
- Why, did you steal the car? - I sure did.
I'm not even sure that's a crime any more. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
- (cop ) Pull over. - Hey, look out for that truck!
It's just a little game I play with my buddies, kind of a hide-and-seek thing.
They love it.
What a day. Whoo! Must be a stage two right about here.
A little slipstreaming, and... Whoa! There's Fred. Won't he be surprised?!
# Somebody wants to know
# Somebody knows a lot
# Better keep your eye on what you got
Didn't you hear me? I said pull over to the...
Uh-oh!
- You got a licence? - I didn't bring it with me.
- Do you have one? - No!
- (cop ) Pull over, buddy. - Hey, Freddie. How's the herpes?
- Pull over! - I did pull over before.
- I'll pull over later. - Pull over!
OK, that's it! Turn your bike in at the next depot.
You're a disgrace to the force!
# Get outta town
# Just get outta town
# Go north to Alaska, east to Atlantic City
# Go south to Rio, or west as far as you can go
# Get outta town
so they won't know what where you are
# Get outta town
# Go north to Alaska, or south to Rio
# Get outta town
Congratulations. You passed the test.
Uh, may I use your left hand, please? My men'll be right with you.
(gabbles in mock Spanish )
Thelma Noble,...
..Ellis Lee Hearford,...
..Lee Weaver, and Harold Osley.
I would like you to meet our friends on the dais,...
..so hold your applause until I'm finished.
- To my left... - More coffee? There you go.
..Selby Desner, Walt... uh, Barbara Waltel,...
..Walter Smith, Martha Sterling and Paul Fleming.
And to my right, Michael Kenyon,...
..Olivia G Williams, Otto Bailey,...
..Bea Dorfman, and now,...
..the father of Internal Bushings,...
..our very own and beloved leader,...
..a man who needs no introduction...
Thank you very much, Sammy. Thank you. I couldn't wait.
It was a very nice introduction, and I am very thrilled and proud to be here today.
It's been a wonderful ceremony on behalf of our own Fred ''The Dorf'' Dorfman.
Who is he?
Many of you don't know that Fred was darn near death recently,...
..and he wasn't ashamed to admit to me that he'd had syphilis, and...
..thank God he stopped it in its tracks.
I must tell you that it takes a lot for a man to...
..to admit where he got it from and how he got it.
I must say, look at him today. Fred, you look just wonderful.
The nose looks normal again, the face has come back into shape,...
..it's not drooling any more.
And hats off to Marge, his wife.
The two or three weeks that she stayed at Trembling Hills has paid off.
No more alcohol or sedatives in her life.
But there are so many other things about Fred,...
..things that maybe many of you already know.
Sammy, you're not gonna sing for us, are ya?
Did you know that Fred, uh, spent a good deal of his life...
..honouring a profession that has gone largely unsung around here.
Some of those boys are here. The profession is law enforcement.
I know Fred feels this way, that too often our feelings are locked in,...
..we feel embarrassed to actually reach out and touch an officer of the law.
After all, they are people, aren't they? Stand up and pat 'em on the back.
Reach out. Go ahead. Shake hands with any one of these men in blue.
Hug a cop! Yeah! Go ahead. I said it. Yeah! That's a wonderful feeling.
I am so proud tonight.
# Oh, say can you see
# By the dawn's early light
# What so proudly we hailed
# At the twilight's...
The cops! Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
Mr Stanwyk, you are confirmed on Pan Am Flight 441...
..to Rio de Janeiro tomorrow evening, 11pm, first class.
- Terrific. Thank you. - You reconfirmed this morning.
You bet I did. I'm a bear for detail.
I hope there's nobody sitting next to me.
You see, I always travel first class, and I take both seats up.
I'm in bridgework, bridge construction.
These foldouts take a tremendous amount of space up.
- There is someone sitting next to you. - Oh, for God... Darn, darn!
Who is it? Mr Sinlinden?
No, the name's Cavanaugh.
Cavanaugh? Ah. Is that Morris or Pierre?
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Sally Ann? Well, terrific.
You purchased the ticket for Miss Cavanaugh.
Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?
I'm sorry, the flight's full. She's connecting out of Provo.
Oh. All right, fine.
Provo, Spain?
- Utah. - Utah?
Listen, Frank, don't give me any crap about the beach story.
- I'm at the airport. - The airport?
There are at least two dozen cops after my ass.
I can't go to my house, to the office. I'm a man without a country.
Fletch, if these cops are really after you, come here. You'll be OK.
I couldn't even get through the front door. Listen, I'm going to Utah.
You go to Utah, you stay in Utah.
I'm turning the story over to a professional reporter.
Frank, the story is Utah. Trust me.
You go to Utah. Fine, fine, fine.
If your story is not on my desk by 11.30, you're out of a job.
Who the hell are you?!
Get up!
I'm up.
- Door was unlocked. - Lock's busted.
Well, there you have it.
I work for the landlord. He told me to watch out for the place.
- Well, I commend him on his choice. - What?
I commend him on his choice.
- I'm supposed to meet Mrs Cavanaugh. - Who are you?
I'm, uh, Don Corleone, Mrs Cavanaugh's cousin.
- You know where she is? - Moved out.
Moved out?
I just talked to her last week. She didn't say a thing about it.
- She moved out. - So you're saying she moved out?
- This morning. - This morning?
God! Oh. We had so much to talk about.
Moe Green is out of the Tropicana now. My sons Mike and Fredo are taking over.
What did you want under the bed?
I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't wanna have to do this.
I'm with the mattress police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
I'm gonna have to take you downtown. Give me the weapon.
I'm callin' the cops. This is for the cops.
- Come on, will ya? I'm her cousin. - Tell the cops.
OK.
You wanna call the cops, call the cops.
You'd better tie your shoelaces first.
Thanks a lot!
Hey, what's happening? Got an unbelievable story here.
- Yeah? Great. What can I do? - Write this down. Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Check every hotel in LA. Start with the ones near the airport.
He's supposed to leave the country with her tomorrow night.
I love your body, Larry.
Whew!
Good afternoon.
Howdy.
They oughta recall these things. You hit one bump, the rear window explodes.
- Are you Mr Marvin Stanwyk? - Yeah.
Hi there. Harry S Truman from Casewell Insurance Underwriters.
Harry S Truman?
My parents were big fans of the former president.
- Isn't that nice? He was a good man. - He sure was.
- He showed the Japs a thing or two. - He dropped the big one.
He dropped two big ones on 'em. He was a real fighter.
- Yeah. - You, uh, in the insurance line, Harry?
- That's right. - Well, uh, I'm fully covered.
Oh, I don't doubt it, Mr Stanwyk.
My company sub-insures the carriers of a policy held by Alan Stanwyk,...
- ..who I believe is your son. - Yeah, he is.
- Mr Truman, meet my wife, Velma. - Oh. My pleasure.
- Nice to meet you. - Come on up here and sit down.
- Have a glass of lemonade. - Thank you.
Velma makes the most unusual lemonade.
Course, it's kinda hard to keep it cold on a day like this.
Where you from, Harry?
Uh, I'm from California.
San Berdoo.
Yeah. Utah's part of my route.
Say, you folks don't mind if I ask you a couple of... questions, do you?
- Shoot. - Thank you very much.
I'll just start with a couple of routine things. Uh...
You and your wife are currently alive, I take it?
- Harry, if there's... - Ah, it's just regulations.
Now, you, Marvin, and your wife named Velma...
- Velma. - ..are the parents of Alan Stanwyk,...
..of Beverly Hills, vice president of Boyd Aviation.
- Check. - Check.
And when was the last time you saw Alan?
Oh. Uh...
- About ten days ago. - Ten days ago?
Yeah, he comes and visits us about every three weeks.
Isn't that nice?
- How long's he been doing that? - Since he moved to LA.
Now, you'll pardon me if I seem... a bit personal here, but...
I don't know how to put it. We understand that...
..there's a young lady friend here in Provo that Alan's been seeing.
- What's this got to do with insurance? - Oh, this is a comprehensive policy.
You can forget about that lady-friend business.
Alan's the most loving husband a girl could have.
- He dotes on that bride of his. - Who?
His wife!
You've met her?
Well, of course we have. He brings her with him.
Has Alan ever mentioned the name, uh, Sally Ann Cavanaugh to you?
Has he?
Boy, what in the hell's the matter with you?
- He has, then? - Of course he has!
That's his wife.
Of course. His wife's name is Sally Ann Cavanaugh, then. I...
Cute as a button!
You wouldn't have a picture of Alan and his bride, would you?
Oh, sure! We've lots of pictures. Let me get you some.
Great. Still married, are they, Alan and Sally Ann?
- Yes, they are. - How long have they been married?
Hm. It was, uh, before he moved to LA.
- Eight years April. - This keeps getting heavier each year.
There we are. There. Here it is.
- That's the one. - Oh, my goodness.
- She is a button, isn't she? - Isn't she cute?
Say, could I borrow this picture for a while?
I promise to send it back. It's routine. The actuary...
Oh, that's all right. We've lots more. Wanna see the reception?
- No, thank you. I'm trying to quit. - How about Marvin's 65th birthday?
- They got a picture of me in here... - Remember how much you drank?
This is Alan? Son of a bitch! I can't believe this!
It's really Alan. And it's really bigamy.
- How long have they been married? - About eight years.
- Who is this woman? - I don't know, Gail.
I think it's Alan's... high-school sweetheart.
Her name is Sally Ann something or other.
Alan's been keeping a lot of things secret lately.
- I'm gonna call the police. - No, Gail, you can't do that.
- Then I'm calling my father! - Give me one more day. Just one.
Why? What for? Do you have any idea how humiliating this is?
Yes, I do. I really do.
Remember what I told you? Tomorrow night you have a club meeting.
You stay away from the house. All right? I'll take care of him.
She looks like a hooker. Look! Could you love someone who looked like that?
What are you talking about? Of course not.
Five... ten minutes tops, maybe.
That's funny.
I know. Listen... why don't we both relax and go in there and lie down,...
..and, uh, I'll fill you in.
This is a really good time to make a pass at me.
- Gum? - Who? What?
Gum, it's me.
- Fletch! Really, is that you? - Shut up. Don't say my name.
Shut up! Don't look at me. Lay back. I gotta talk to you.
All right. About what?
There are cops all around. They're after me.
- What? You mean those two surfers? - Just lay back down.
- Don't point. Just lay back, all right? - OK, OK.
- Why are they after you? - Because I'm a newspaper reporter,...
..and I'm nailing Chief Karlin as the major drug source on this beach.
Sit back.
Fat Sam's, uh, turning state's evidence.
What's that?
In his deposition he says he received the drugs and you did all the selling.
He said what?!
Fletch, he's lyin'! Honest, Fletch, I didn't sell nothin', man.
You gotta believe me. I just carried the drugs from the chief to Sam.
- Sure you did, Gum. - Fletch, honest, man. That's all I did.
20 years, Gum. 20 years in prison, unless you wanna play ball.
You don't leave me much of a choice, I guess.
- Fletch, you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right. Boy, these robes.
I got another question for you. Where does the chief get his drugs from?
- I don't know. - Have fun.
- Don't bend over for the soap. - Fletch! OK.
It's somewhere in South America.
- Mind if I sit here? - Fletch?
- Fletch! - You don't know me, Sam.
- It's my pleasure, brother! - I'm a reporter, Sam.
I'm breaking the story on the drug traffic around here.
Gummy's turning state's evidence. I got good proof it's the chief.
- You're gonna bust the chief? - I'm gonna bust the chief.
I could use your help.
I'm a slave to that son of a bitch.
He busted me, third offence.
Gave me my choice: push for him, or do 15 long.
- All I get is free junk. - You don't have a piece of the action?
No. Free junk, that's it.
Albert Einstein's forehead. I won it in a raffle.
Excuse me. Fellas, stay over there, will you?
Fletch?
- What's up? - I'm quitting.
- Who are these guys? - This is Fat Sam and this is Gummy.
These are their statements, naming Chief Karlin...
..as the number one drug pusher from here to Oxnard.
I want them to have Federal protection, sponsored by the paper. OK, Frank?
- Make yourselves comfortable. - Hey, this is wonderful. This is...
I'm out, Frank. You lost faith in me.
- I got nervous. Come on. - Forget it. I'm writing the story.
Hold the last two paragraphs till ten o'clock, OK?
- You want an apology? - You were gonna can me, right?
- No. Not really. - Not really?
I was upset. You know...
OK.
Jesus, I'm sick of this place.
I'm gonna try out for the Lakers. They need a good power forward.
Fletch, this is a hell of a story.
- Thanks. - Now, about these guys...
They're fine. You don't have any valuables in there, Vicki Morgan tapes or anything?
Good evening.
I like your outfit. Did you bring the 50 grand and the tickets?
Of course.
Oh-oh-oh.
You forgot your rubber gloves.
You're planning on killing me, aren't you?
- You catch on real quick, Mr Nugent. - That's a pretty hostile thing to do.
Well, you were gonna kill me. I look at this simply as self-defence.
Now, if you would be so kind as to put your passport on my desk...
You're wearing my suit. Where did you get that?
I said, where did you get my suit, Mr Nugent?
The name's Fletcher. I'm a newspaper reporter.
- I write under the name of Jane Doe. - What the hell is this?
- Read this. - I don't have time for this.
Cut the crap! Come downstairs and read this. I'm not going anywhere.
Unless my people hear differently, that letter goes out at midnight.
''Dear Mr Boyd, Alan Stanwyk murdered me tonight.''
''The charred remains found by the police in the Jaguar are mine, not his.''
''Mr Stanwyk, using my name and passport, boarded Pan Am flight 306.''
- ''He intends to establish residence...'' - Pretty hefty.
Keep reading.
''..with his legal wife, the former Sally Ann Cavanaugh.''
Don't stop, Alan.
- Uh-oh. The missis. - What are you doing here?
I already know most of it. I just wanna hear the rest from you.
He doesn't read my stuff very well. Let me take a crack at it.
''Sally Ann and Alan were married eight years ago.''
''Never divorced, making Stanwyk a bigamist, even in Utah.''
''Stanwyk also has $3 million in cash,...
..the result of Gail Stanwyk's conversion of Boyd Aviation stock.''
It's true, isn't it?
''Sally Ann can confirm all this when the police pick her up at the Marriott.''
''By the way, Alan is a very big drug smuggler,...
..but you can read all about that in tomorrow's paper.''
''Sincerely, IM Fletcher. PS. Have a nice day.''
Bravo, Mr Fletcher. Bravo.
What tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed.
Oh? And what was that?
Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build.
From the waist up, I imagine.
Then I figured it. You bump me off, plop me in the car... and burn me up.
- What the heck. Same bone structure. - You son of a bitch.
But I'm not a stupid son of a bitch.
I was already prepared to commit one murder, assface.
What makes you think I won't commit two, huh?
- Whoops. - ''Whoops''? Don't say ''whoops''.
By the time your story is published, I'll be on the beach.
And extradition from South America is very complicated.
I'll bet for two murders it's even more so.
That thing loaded?
If you shoot me, you'll lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
- Tough shit, Hopalong. - Greetings, everyone.
Thank God. The... police.
What in the hell are you doing here?
Put the gun down, Alan. I can take care of them.
I thought you had this all figured out. Nice going, Irwin.
Don't ever call me Irwin, OK?
Fat Sam left the beach today. So did Gummy.
It began to occur to me that some things are happening that I should be aware of.
Look, I said I'll take care of this. Go on home. I'll call you tomorrow.
Long-distance? I overheard something about South America and extradition.
- Jerry... - You're not taking that $800,000...
..I staked you for that next load?
You two have a lot to talk over. We'll catch the last ten minutes of Dynasty.
Jerry, come on. Trust me!
I've got a foolproof way to get rid of this asshole.
You'll land my butt on the front page while you're basking in the sun!
With your money.
- The second one'll be even more fun. - Go ahead. Make my day.
Thanks.
This is getting absurd. ''One Bob Haldeman wig, a gorilla suit...''
- That's a gibbon suit. - ''Tennis shorts, leather sneakers...''
- It's business. Frank, I hate tennis. - ''Novelty teeth''?
Frank, it's all business. All business.
''A nun's habit, six tubes of Crazy Glue.''
- Oh. That's personal. - Right. Take it out of my raise.
You're not getting a raise. Come on.
I would think the DA would need these tickets for evidence.
- Not necessarily. - Not necessarily?
Larry!
In the court ruling, US versus Fishbine,...
..a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit...
..is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets.
It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one... to me.
Well, why don't you just say that you wanna take me to Rio with you?
Well, now, there's a...
..there's a different slant.
The thing is, we haven't dated formally.
- I take my first dates to a Laker game. - I don't wanna go to a Laker game.
- (mouths ) - I don't like basketball.
You don't understand it. You haven't been schooled in the fundamentals.
- Pick-and-roll. - Sounds like a fast-food chain.
- Reverse stuff. - That I've done.
I'll bet you have, you little vixen.
The coroner had certified Stanwyk dead, or extremely sleepy,...
..and Chief Karlin was facing 20 years in the fun house.
I decided to accompany Gail to Rio and assist her in her grief therapy.
I explained basketball to her, but she didn't seem to grasp it.
- Fletch? - Call me Irwin.
Why do they bounce the ball the whole time? Doesn't it seem childish to you?
It may seem that, but it's called dribbling.
- Dribbling? - If they don't keep bouncing the ball,...
- ..they get called for travelling. - Travelling? Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's what they call it.
With basketball, Gail was a loss. But we had our own version of one-on-one,...
..and she thought I was the bravest man in the world, which of course I am.
I charged the entire vacation to Mr Underhill's American Express car d.
Want the number?
# Bit by bit, one way or another
# Bit by bit, running undercover tonight
# Have you hear d the news, making all the headlines?
# Bit by bit, getting to the bottom
# Bit by bit, nothing's gonna stop him tonight
# Moving in, making my connection
# Something's up, I can feel it in the air
# Private eyes never know who's watching
# Playing cool
# But you haven't got a prayer
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines
# Zooming via satellite?
# Have you hear d the news coming through the grapevine?
# Fletch is working overtime
# Bit by bit, one way or another
# Bit by bit, running undercover tonight
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines?
# Bit by bit, getting to the bottom
# Bit by bit, nothing's gonna stop him tonight
# Digging in, gonna break by morning
# Comin' out, you can read it in the Times
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines
# Zooming via satellite?
# Have you hear d the news coming through the grapevine?
# Fletch is working overtime
# Bit by bit, one way or another
# Bit by bit, running undercover tonight
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines?
# Bit by bit, getting to the bottom
# Bit by bit, nothing's gonna stop him tonight
# Tonight
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines
# Zooming via satellite?
# Have you hear d the news coming through the grapevine?
# Fletch is working overtime
# Bit by bit, one way or another
# Bit by bit, running undercover tonight
# Have you hear d the news making all the headlines?